I’ve always been a person who conformed to people around them. I’m very split on how I feel about that. One on hand, I think it’s two faced and shitty and that I should just be must. But on the other hand, I think it’s an important skill to be able to find parts of your own personality and have the ability to diminish or augment those traits in order to appeal to those around you. Where I’m going with this is my gender and the amount of trans friends I have.
My aunt invited herself to my choir concert that’s happening soon, and I didn’t think much of it, especially since she offered to buy me dinner and she lives really close to her and I really only talk to her when I need help on homework. I forgot that my name is Caspar in the program. She’s the kind of person who likes to spread shit all over the family. She literally makes up shit if there’s no real drama happening just so she can get attention. So, I called my mom to try to get some advice and it was a really disappointing conversation. She didn’t really have a lot of sympathy for me because I put my name in a public document as Caspar, thus the public has access to that information. I agree with her on that; however, I didn’t think anybody in my family was going to show up. So I think I’m just going to tell her it’s a nickname, and I asked my mom to back me up on that and she said she would for this one time but she’s not going to lie for me other than this.
Somehow, my separate facebook that uses Caspar as a name came up, which I’ve told her about before, but she apparently forgot and got really upset and started bitching about how she doesn’t like me living a ~double life~ and I’m just really fed up with that. As a person, I have a right to not be out to everyone. Especially unsupportive family (some of which I have). I asked her for advice on what to do about this and she said to be me. She kept just advising me to be who I am. But I don’t fucking know who I am. I like it when people call me Caspar and use masculine pronouns with me, but I also like novel things and both of those are novel. But there isn’t a quick way for me to test if it’ll wear off or not without totally coming out as questioning. I don’t want to make an announcement asking people to call me Caspar until further notice in case I decide that it’s actually not for me because that could have adverse effects on my conservative friends/family who could potentially just chalk all trans people up to going through phases. Right now, the amount of people I’m out to is safe. I’m only really out to queers and my choir I guess. I’m not doing choir next semester and I told all the queers I was just questioning. It’s safe because I can still go back. If I make a statement, it’ll be harder to go back and I’m really scared of that.
She also just doesn’t really think I’m trans. And she worded it more delicately than that, but that’s what she said. She also mentioned that she isn’t me and doesn’t know what I’m feeling either and this is my decision and I’m the only one who really knows. I appreciated those comments though because all I’ve been getting is overwhelming support and as great as that is, I’m questioning. I’ve always been questioning and being overwhelmed with affirmation is going to skew things. She also said my experiences don’t sound like her trans clients. Which is weird because they sound like my trans friends’ experiences. Also, while I realize it is me and my body and my mind and my choice, but she’s also been my mom for nineteen years and knows me pretty damn well. And it’s not like she’s not supportive of trans people or that she wouldn’t support me if that’s what I am, she just doesn’t see it.
But that conflicts with her wanting me to just “be me” because she doesn’t think that me is me. I feel like she wants me to rush into outing, which probably is just coming from wanting me to not be confused anymore, but also it feels like she isn’t taking this seriously. She really thinks this is a product of my enviornment, which I have suspected since this whole thing started. And the only way to get out of that is to fully out myself and see how that feels. But then we’re back to the issue of being out as questioning, which I personally have ethical problems with (not that I have issue with anybody else doing this, it’s just something I don’t want to be a part of).
So basically, she didn’t really give me an answer about my aunt, told me she didn’t think I was trans and was doing this in order to be more similar to my friends, and think that, if I am trans, I just need to be fully out. It was just a really rough conversation and it took like an hour of me standing outside in freezing temperatures and quite a bit of crying. I didn’t sleep in my room last night because I was too sad and I took Xanax this morning because I was anxious literally all day yesterday and Monday and figured that last night would only worsen those symptoms. I’m not anxious now, I’m just sad and tired because I woke up too late to get coffee and then took a CNS relaxer.
I also talked to my friend a lot last night because he’s the best best person ever and he reminded me about the bout of actual dysphoria I had over the summer and thought I was a boy then too. So it’s not like this is just a new thing. Also when I was younger I’d want to wear boy clothes and got sad that my boobs were there because people didn’t think I was a boy. And sometimes I’d get called a boy anyway and I wouldn’t correct them. One time when I was ten in the grocery store a cashier started talking to me about how three boys must be fun but also very hectic because she saw me with my dad and two little brothers. And I just went with it. I liked it when people called me sir when I was younger. So there’s some evidence this isn’t an environment product.
Like I’m about 98% sure I’m not a girl. But that’s it. I’m very confused.