Finals!!!!

So far I have signficantly stalled my gender crisis for finals. Sometimes I think I should be more concerned about my ability to turn off my emotions when it’s convinient for me but then I don’t actually care that much because it’s in my favor.

So anyway it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’ve had six shots of espresso today. I’ve been working in the science building since three (I’ve left for meals and more coffee) and I have a final at 2:00. I thought I had a A in stats in the bag, but I got a 57 on my last test so that might not happen. And that would lead you to think I’d be studying for that test and that’s what I’ve been doing for the almost twelve hour I’ve spent here. No. I’ve been writing a fucking lab report. I got a 97 on the test before this one and an 89 on the first test and she’ll drop the lowest test if we take the final so I’m not /super/ worried because apparently I just didn’t know the last third of the course and that should only be a third of the final and if I get half of that right and then 90% of the other two third parts right then I’ll get a grade that’s probably higher than an 84 and that’s what I need to get an A. Plus I’ll wake up and study tomorrow. It’ll be fine (I’m going to keep telling myself that until it is).

There’s not really a lot going on right now in lieu of aforementioned stalled crisis I’m starting to question Caspar again. I keep misintroducing myself, which is to be expected, but then I thought about if I had been outed (if I never updated you guys, my aunt came but the concert was full and she couldn’t get in and therefore no program so everything’s fine). I’d be pretty upset about it. But I wouldn’t be as upset if she’d outed me as gay. Because I’d own it. And I couldn’t own the trans thing. So.

Okay it’s me like two days later now because I forgot I was writing this. I’m leaning further away from trans, especially because of the last thing. But like also I really like being called Caspar. It’s just tricky.

It looks like I’m going to be able to get an A in stats and also that I’ll get a B in Brain and Behavior and that’s all I needed. I have the day off today except for an emergency study session my prof is holding because the last brain and behavior test was so bad (I was in the half of the class that got above a C- before the curve). So I’m not as worried about that since there’s a study session. I have a paper due Friday and a take home test and portfolio due Thursday.

My best friend left today because he’s getting top surgery tomorrow. Which is super exciting but also sad because I’m stuck here until Saturday. But he has a single so I just moved into his room until my roommate leaves.

That’s what’s been happening. Not a lot. I’m just trying to document things periodically. I’ll probably go back to daily posts now that finals are winding down (I say as I ignore the final I’ve been dreading since the first day of classes is tomorrow). We’ll see.

Shaking things up

Today, I am not in Brain and Behavior while I’m writing this. I’m in stats. We’re doing small group discussions of an article that I actually read. My group hasn’t read it though. So this is a fun time.

Finals are next week and hell week has started. I mean, it’s more like hell two weeks because last week was a fucking mess. I didn’t go out this weekend. But I went out on Thursday. That was probably the worst idea I’ve had in a long time. I had the twenty-page draft due on Friday along with leading a discussion and also a lab report. I got them all done. I was miserable the entire day because I was so fucking hungover, but Thursday was a fun time. I had some nice bonding with the members of my women’s studies class. That had three more classes until the end of the semester. It was nice to see them in class and see that they were equally as miserable as I was. I also didn’t end up having to lead the discussion because the prof took over the person who was supposed to discuss for the first half of the class. So I think I’m leading Tuesday, but I’m not really sure and I’m nervous that she’s going to count me off because I’ll only have lead one discussion and the syllabus says we need to lead two.

It doesn’t look like my aunt will actually show up. Because the choir concert’s in like ten hours and she never texted me. And I’m certainly not going to remind her. Which is a little annoying because that was like a huge crisis and a lot of anxiety and like it all looks like it’s going to be fine.

So like I want to go to grad school after I graduate. And psych grad school is really fucking competitive right now. And it looks like I’m going to get all Bs (except for photo) this semester and that just isn’t good. I’m in two psych classes and I need to be getting higher grades. Also when I say all Bs, I’m crossing my fingers that Brain and Behavior is actually a B right now. I don’t actually know. I also need to nail the test on Friday. And the final. If I get a B on this test, then I’m going to stop worrying because it’ll be fine. I’m taking the final, so she’ll drop the test I got a D on. Problem: I’m bad at finals. Like I’ll be fine during the class and gets As on everything and I’ll get a C on the final. So, if I’m struggling to get Bs, I’ll get a D on the final. And that’s just not good. That’s a bad time. But that’s next week, so I’m not really going to bother worrying about it right now. I’m just going to stick with my freaking out about my test.

Here are some other stressors happening in my life right now:

-choir concenrt is at 7:30. We’re called at 7:15, not a problem, right? No. We have dress rehearsal from 4-6. Concert lasts until 9:00. I have a photo project due tomorrow. My free time is 11:50-4:00. Which is exactly when there’s a class in the photo lab.

-lab report due Friday

-stats problem set due Friday

-I still don’t know how I’m getting home for winter break

-I lost the props list I had that had all the props we had on it. But I don’t want to tell the director that because she told me to email it to her on Thursday. So I need to ask the stage manager to let me into the theater so I can make another list. But secretly.

-I have to get a fucking Secret Santa present for someone I don’t know by Saturday.

-All I want to do anymore is sleep and play Sims

-My Sims’ lives are getting really stressful and I’m getting stressed for them. Dillan works such long hours and he never has any time to have fun on his own just build his little rocket ship.

I think that’s mostly it. Also I don’t know my gender yet, but I’m trying to ignore that for a while.

 

 

UPDATE: fuck all of that my aunt just texted and I’m fucking terrified

 

 

Phases

I’ve always been a person who conformed to people around them. I’m very split on how I feel about that. One on hand, I think it’s two faced and shitty and that I should just be must. But on the other hand, I think it’s an important skill to be able to find parts of your own personality and have the ability to diminish or augment those traits in order to appeal to those around you. Where I’m going with this is my gender and the amount of trans friends I have.

My aunt invited herself to my choir concert that’s happening soon, and I didn’t think much of it, especially since she offered to buy me dinner and she lives really close to her and I really only talk to her when I need help on homework. I forgot that my name is Caspar in the program. She’s the kind of person who likes to spread shit all over the family. She literally makes up shit if there’s no real drama happening just so she can get attention. So, I called my mom to try to get some advice and it was a really disappointing conversation. She didn’t really have a lot of sympathy for me because I put my name in a public document as Caspar, thus the public has access to that information. I agree with her on that; however, I didn’t think anybody in my family was going to show up. So I think I’m just going to tell her it’s a nickname, and I asked my mom to back me up on that and she said she would for this one time but she’s not going to lie for me other than this.

Somehow, my separate facebook that uses Caspar as a name came up, which I’ve told her about before, but she apparently forgot and got really upset and started bitching about how she doesn’t like me living a ~double life~ and I’m just really fed up with that. As a person, I have a right to not be out to everyone. Especially unsupportive family (some of which I have). I asked her for advice on what to do about this and she said to be me. She kept just advising me to be who I am. But I don’t fucking know who I am. I like it when people call me Caspar and use masculine pronouns with me, but I also like novel things and both of those are novel. But there isn’t a quick way for me to test if it’ll wear off or not without totally coming out as questioning. I don’t want to make an announcement asking people to call me Caspar until further notice in case I decide that it’s actually not for me because that could have adverse effects on my conservative friends/family who could potentially just chalk all trans people up to going through phases. Right now, the amount of people I’m out to is safe. I’m only really out to queers and my choir I guess. I’m not doing choir next semester and I told all the queers I was just questioning. It’s safe because I can still go back. If I make a statement, it’ll be harder to go back and I’m really scared of that.

She also just doesn’t really think I’m trans. And she worded it more delicately than that, but that’s what she said. She also mentioned that she isn’t me and doesn’t know what I’m feeling either and this is my decision and I’m the only one who really knows. I appreciated those comments though because all I’ve been getting is overwhelming support and as great as that is, I’m questioning. I’ve always been questioning and being overwhelmed with affirmation is going to skew things. She also said my experiences don’t sound like her trans clients. Which is weird because they sound like my trans friends’ experiences. Also, while I realize it is me and my body and my mind and my choice, but she’s also been my mom for nineteen years and knows me pretty damn well. And it’s not like she’s not supportive of trans people or that she wouldn’t support me if that’s what I am, she just doesn’t see it.

But that conflicts with her wanting me to just “be me” because she doesn’t think that me is me. I feel like she wants me to rush into outing, which probably is just coming from wanting me to not be confused anymore, but also it feels like she isn’t taking this seriously. She really thinks this is a product of my enviornment, which I have suspected since this whole thing started. And the only way to get out of that is to fully out myself and see how that feels. But then we’re back to the issue of being out as questioning, which I personally have ethical problems with (not that I have issue with anybody else doing this, it’s just something I don’t want to be a part of).

So basically, she didn’t really give me an answer about my aunt, told me she didn’t think I was trans and was doing this in order to be more similar to my friends, and think that, if I am trans, I just need to be fully out. It was just a really rough conversation and it took like an hour of me standing outside in freezing temperatures and quite a bit of crying. I didn’t sleep in my room last night because I was too sad and I took Xanax this morning because I was anxious literally all day yesterday and Monday and figured that last night would only worsen those symptoms. I’m not anxious now, I’m just sad and tired because I woke up too late to get coffee and then took a CNS relaxer.

I also talked to my friend a lot last night because he’s the best best person ever and he reminded me about the bout of actual dysphoria I had over the summer and thought I was a boy then too. So it’s not like this is just a new thing. Also when I was younger I’d want to wear boy clothes and got sad that my boobs were there because people didn’t think I was a boy. And sometimes I’d get called a boy anyway and I wouldn’t correct them. One time when I was ten in the grocery store a cashier started talking to me about how three boys must be fun but also very hectic because she saw me with my dad and two little brothers. And I just went with it. I liked it when people called me sir when I was younger. So there’s some evidence this isn’t an environment product.

Like I’m about 98% sure I’m not a girl. But that’s it. I’m very confused.