This week it got cold enough that I could bring hot coffee to work and not cry because I was overheating. I also wore pants 2/5 days so that was also exciting. But now September is back to being the tease of fall that it always is so I’m a little bummed.

I work at my school’s library and my supervisor scheduled me for seven hours and all of them are at eight in the morning so there was a lot of shit that went into getting that resolved, but I’m still working at eight in the morning on the three days this week that I don’t have class until one. Initially I was salty about it, but I’m such a secret morning person. Also taking the Zoloft at night has really improved everything, so I’m able to just have a chunk of time in the morning where I’m able to do my homework and I’m loving getting paid to do my homework for nine hours a week. Also the library is cool and I’m tweeting funny things my bosses are saying and just hoping that they’ll never find my twitter, which is becoming more and more likely the number of times I shamelessly link to it.

I’m already talking in class way more than I did last semester and I’m really happy about it. I’m still pretty anxious in my history class, just because there’s like over thirty people in it and most of them are freshmen. What they say isn’t really relevant to 1. what the professor is asking or 2. what the book is about. I understand that it’s literally one of the first classes they’re taking at college, but I think there should be some prerequisite for this class because I don’t think they’re able to grasp what’s being said at all. It’s gotten to the point where the professor is asking us to ignore all feminist theory and history and just discuss the question, which isn’t what I want from  A CROSSLISTED WOMEN’S STUDIES AND HISTORY COURSE at all. There’s also three girls who all sit next to each other who keep answering all the questions and it’s infuriating because nothing that they say is remotely relevant to what we’re supposed to be talking about.

But instead of complaining about that I should be happy that I’m regularly taking my medicine and am consistently waking up on time for work and able to get through the day without needing a nap and getting my homework done before three in the morning and that rugby’s going really well and I’m getting paid this Friday.

I know that it’s only the second full week and it’s ridiculous to think that the rest of the semester is going to go like this, especially given the shit storm that ensued literally last week. I’d like to continue with my foolish sense of optimism though because it’s making me happy.

Also I love my room this year. It’s the first year that I’ve really fucking loved my room and am excited to spend time in it. Boyf and I pushed our beds together and we both  made little mini offices with our dressers and desks so we have our own dedicated work space. I bought some purple fairy lights with a white cord which goes really nicely with my grow light for my kale and basil. There’s also a walk in closet. I just really like it and I brought my box of incense so it just is really calming and there’s enough light from the windows that we don’t need to use the overhead light during the day and then also we have enough lamps/fairy lights that we also don’t use the light at night. It’s just really nice.

There’s been a shift where now most people are using masculine pronouns with me, which is disorienting. But it’s also disorienting when people use feminine pronouns with me. It’s annoying when they use neutral pronouns (because I don’t think they (haha) describe me). I still very much identify with my lesbian identity and I’m starting to like a trans one, but not a trans boy/men. I like genderqueer. Sometimes. I also like girl. I haven’t used my binder since I got back to school because I’m recovering from walking pneumonia and I don’t think a binder would do very positive things for my cough. I have compression bras that honestly work just about as well as a binder and also have the added benefit of me being able to breathe in them. My gender is fucked right now and I’m not loving it.

It’s totally possible that I won’t actually ever find an answer to this shit and I guess that’s okay but I’m impatient and always want immediate gratification so I don’t know how I’m supposed to just wait it out and see where my life takes me. Also I’m scared about after I graduate and how I’m supposed to navigate my gender in The Real World™.